I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
