Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
