I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
