You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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