im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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