if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
