if i can run in heels then i can drive
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
