I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
