At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
