I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
