kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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