My liver just broke up with me...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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