getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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