it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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