i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
