What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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