she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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