i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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