my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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