i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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