God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sext me about skeletons
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
