its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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