I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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