so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
it wasn't lemon gatorade
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
