News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize