sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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