Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
try to milk me bitch
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
