did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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