You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
