Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
