its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
