Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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