chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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