my vag is so smooth its legendary
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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