I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
