summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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