she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
