Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
