Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
