Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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