so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Come see our sink grown plant.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
