He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
