this beer tastes like vomit already
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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