My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Randomize
