My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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