Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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