this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
