There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
