he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
