Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
