My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
