sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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