Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
