You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
