fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
