Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
