we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
