I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
