Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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